when perfectionism doesn’t look “perfect”: what i’ve learned as a parent (and a former perfectionist myself)
I used to think perfectionism looked like a straight-A student or someone who always had it all together. But the truth is—perfectionism wears more than one face. And I know this, not just because I see it in the teens I coach… but because I’ve lived it myself.
Most of my life, I was a classic high achiever. I poured myself into sports and work—I loved excelling and being seen as “driven.” But there was another side to me too, one I didn’t talk about. I’d completely shut down in certain areas of my life. If a class didn’t feel worth my time (or if I secretly felt I might not be great at it), I’d check out. If I was anxious about saying the wrong thing, I wouldn’t start the conversation at all.
I wasn’t lazy. I wasn’t unmotivated. I was scared—scared of failing, of being judged, of not measuring up.
Two Faces of Perfectionism
I now see both versions show up in our teens:
The High Achiever
This is the teen who looks like they’ve got it all together—honors classes, varsity sports, leadership roles. But underneath is often anxiety, pressure, and a fear that any slip-up makes them “less than.”
The Teen Who Shuts Down
This teen avoids trying altogether. They might say they don’t care, but often it’s the opposite—they care so much that the risk of failing is paralyzing. It feels safer not to try than to try and fall short.
And sometimes? Our teens are both. Just like I was. High-performing in some areas, frozen in others.
So Where Does It Come From?
Perfectionism often has deep roots:
The belief that love or approval is tied to performance
Fear of failure or judgment
All-or-nothing thinking: “If I’m not the best, why bother?”
And while it can look very different on the surface, the core message is often the same: “If I’m not perfect, I’m not enough.”
What Can We Do?
We can start by seeing it for what it is—not laziness, not just ambition—but fear. Then gently open the door to conversation. Ask things like:
“What feels hard about starting?”
“What would happen if it didn’t go the way you wanted?”
“What are you afraid it might say about you?”
And most importantly, remind your teen (and maybe yourself, too):
Mistakes are how we grow.
Worth isn’t earned by performance.
Trying—even when it’s messy—is powerful and brave.
Perfectionism is sneaky. It can look like gold stars and big dreams… or silence and stuckness. But if we can speak to the heart underneath it, we give our teens the freedom to show up fully—imperfectly—and know they are still enough.
👉 Is your teen feeling the weight of perfectionism? I’d love to talk.
Click [here] to schedule a free discovery session or reach out directly at carinrassiercoaching@gmail.com.
There’s a different way forward—and I’d be honored to walk alongside you and your teen. 💛
