i didn't pave the way for my kids. here's what i did instead.
A country song, a car ride, and the moment I realized my kids had actually launched.
I have heard Jordan Davis's "The Next Thing You Know" more times than I can count. It is a great song. One of those that plays in the background of a summer afternoon and makes you feel warm and a little nostalgic without really stopping you in your tracks.
Until this summer. Until it came on in the car and I felt the tears coming before I even knew why.
Why now?
Maybe because it is summer — my favorite time of year — and for the first time, everyone is off doing their thing. No one took a collective pause. No big family dinners, no lazy mornings, no kids wandering in and out of the kitchen.
This summer, my kids are living.
One is at an internship, diving headfirst into ten weeks of work he has no roadmap for, just drive and willingness to figure it out. One flew to London all alone and found his way to the Airbnb, and is taking a class abroad. And my youngest, my baby, chose to spend nine days at a nursing leadership conference at Duke, staying in a dorm full of strangers, nervous about her roommate, moving forward anyway.
All of them, stepping out. All of them, thriving.
And I am sitting in the car crying to a country song, wondering: how did we get here?
Confidence Is Not Given. It Is Built.
Here is what I know about confidence, both as a mom and as a life coach for teens and young adults: you cannot hand it to someone. You cannot pave the road so smoothly that they never stumble and expect them to come out sure-footed on the other side.
Confidence is built brick by brick. Every time you step into the unknown and find your way. Every time you feel scared and do it anyway. Every time you realize: I figured that out. I can figure out the next thing too.
Flying to a foreign country alone and navigating to your Airbnb? That is a brick.
Driving five hours to an empty apartment, showing up to an internship without knowing what the next ten weeks will ask of you? That is a brick.
Choosing a conference, sleeping in a dorm, not knowing a single person and still finding your person? That is a brick.
My kids did not get confident because life was easy. They got confident because they were allowed to find out what they were capable of.
What I Did Not Do (And Why That Matters)
My aunt said something to me recently that has stayed with me. She looked at my kids, at the adventures they take on, the discomfort they lean into and she said, "Carin, could you imagine doing this at their age?"
We both laughed. Because no. Absolutely not. I was painfully shy. I walked in the shadows for a long time. I did not take up space or go after big things. Not because I was not capable, but because nobody helped me understand that the discomfort was part of the process — not a sign to stop.
I did not want that for my kids.
So here is what I did not do:
I did not force a sport, a club, a friend group, a SAT course, an instrument.
I did not helicopter. I did not smooth every rough edge or intervene every time something felt hard.
I did not care much about grades. I cared about effort.
And here is what I did do: I listened. I paid attention to what they wanted — not what I thought was good for them, not what looked impressive on paper, and I helped them go after it. If they really wanted something (a camp, go away to boarding school, a sports team or tournament), we made it happen. And because it was theirs, they showed up for it fully. They listened, they grew, they leaned in, even when scared, because they wanted it more than I wanted it for them.
That distinction matters more than most parents realize.
The Part Where This Becomes About Your Teen or Young Adult
I am telling you this story not to say I had it all figured out. I did not. I was not sitting there with a conscious parenting philosophy, checking boxes. I was just a mom who wanted her kids to experience all that life has to offer.
But looking back, I can see exactly what I was doing, and it is the same thing I now do as a coach.
The teens and young adults I work with are often the opposite of what I just described. They are high achievers who look completely fine on the outside with great grades, packed schedules, always showing up, but inside they are running on anxiety, perfectionism, and a quiet fear that if they stop performing, everything will fall apart.
They have never been allowed to feel uncomfortable. Or they have been so protected from failure that they do not know how to recover from it. Or they want so badly not to disappoint anyone that they have stopped listening to themselves entirely.
That is not confidence. That is survival.
And it is fixable. But it starts with someone helping them hear their own voice again. What they actually want, what actually lights them up, what they are actually afraid of, and building from there.
The Next Thing You Know
My kids are not extraordinary. They are not uniquely talented or unusually brave. They are kids who were allowed to figure things out, trusted to know what they wanted, and given enough space to build real confidence! The kind that holds when things get hard.
The next thing you know, they are living! Full lives, with all the ups and downs, the hard-won lessons, the blessed moments that make them eager to see what comes next.
That is what I want for your teen or young adult too.
If you are wondering whether your teen or young adult is struggling more than they are letting on, I made a free 2-minute quiz to help you both start to understand what is really going on beneath the surface.
It will not fix everything. But it might name something that has been hard to put into words. And sometimes that is exactly where the change begins.
Carin Rassier is a certified life coach for teens and young adults, a school nurse, and a mom of three. She works with teens and young adults ages 16–22 who are anxious, overwhelmed, or stuck — and the parents who love them.
