when they hurt, you hurt… and yeah, it sucks
There’s this quiet, unspoken truth about parenting teens that no one really prepares you for:
When they hurt… you hurt.
And honestly? It sucks.
Because it’s not just their disappointment, frustration, or heartbreak—you feel it in your body. That knot in your stomach. That restless energy. That urge to do something.
So what do we do?
We fix.
We jump in. We problem-solve. We smooth things over. We make calls, send reminders, figure things out, get ahead of it… all in the name of “helping.”
But if we’re being really honest?
A lot of that fixing isn’t just for them.
It’s for us.
Because when they struggle, we feel helpless. And when we feel helpless, we feel uncomfortable. And when we feel uncomfortable… we want it to stop as quickly as possible.
So we remove the problem.
And just like that—relief.
But here’s the hard truth I keep reminding myself of:
When we rush in and fix everything, our kids don’t walk away thinking, “My parent really helped me.”
They internalize something much deeper:
I can’t do this on my own.
I’m not capable.
I need someone else to handle things for me.
And over time, that becomes their reality.
My Real-Life “Don’t Swoop In” Moment
I’m in this right now with my son.
He landed an incredible summer internship in Rochester, which is a huge win, especially as a freshman. He’s excited, proud, and rightfully so.
But… there’s a catch.
He thought housing was included. It’s not.
Now he has to figure it out.
He reached out and asked for help, which I’m absolutely open to. I told him I just needed a few details: timeline, company info, location, so I could support him in a useful way.
He said he’d get it to me.
That was over a week ago.
Now, old me? I’d be all over this.
Reminding him. Following up. Researching housing options. Sending links. Maybe even solving it completely “just to make sure it gets done right.”
Because the thoughts come in fast:
He needs a safe place to live.
What if he waits too long?
What if nothing is available?
What if this messes up his internship?
Cue the urge to take over.
But this time, I’m doing something different.
I’m waiting.
Not because I don’t care, but because I care enough to let him figure it out.
He needs to take the next step. He needs to follow through. And yes, there may be consequences if he doesn’t.
Worst case? He loses the internship.
Would that be awful?
Absolutely.
Would it also be one of the most powerful lessons he could learn at this stage of his life?
Also yes.
And let’s be real… if he ends up home all summer instead of at this internship, it’ll be a long 10 weeks for both of us 😂
But I don’t actually believe that’s what will happen.
I believe he’ll figure it out.
Maybe after a darty or two (yes, I just learned what that is this year 🙃), but still—he’ll step up.
3 Ways to Stop Fixing and Start Empowering
If you’re in this space too, wanting to help but knowing you need to pull back, here are a few things that are helping me:
1. Pause before you problem-solve
When your teen brings you a problem, resist the urge to jump in immediately.
Try: “What do you think your next step is?”
Let them think before you act.
2. Get clear on your role
Support doesn’t mean taking over.
You can guide, brainstorm, and be a sounding board—but they lead.
3. Let consequences be the teacher
This is the hardest one.
Natural consequences—missed deadlines, lost opportunities, uncomfortable outcomes—are often the most powerful growth moments.
Not easy. But effective.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about being a hands-off parent.
It’s about being a trusting one.
Trusting that our kids can handle more than we think.
Trusting that discomfort isn’t dangerous—it’s developmental.
And trusting that our job isn’t to remove every obstacle…
…but to stand beside them while they learn to move through it.
Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Even when it hurts.
Because yeah—
When they hurt, we hurt.
And sometimes the most loving thing we can do…
is feel it and not fix it.
If This Is Hitting Close to Home…
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This is exactly what we’re in right now,” you’re not alone.
And more importantly, you don’t have to navigate it by yourself.
If your teen is struggling, and you’re trying to find that balance between supporting them and not overstepping… I’d love to come alongside you.
This work isn’t about “fixing” your teen. It’s about strengthening them.
It’s about helping you show up in a way that builds their confidence, resilience, and independence, while also feeling more grounded and clear as a parent.
We become a team. You, me, and your teen (whether directly or through the way you lead them).
Together, we create a dynamic where your teen feels supported but also empowered to step up in their own life.
If that’s what you want… let’s connect.
Because your teen doesn’t need a perfect parent… They need a supported one
